Star Trek - Battlestations!

I'm not going to let him work our windward Piper, bring the jib sheet in two pulls.  You left it too free."

Always the cut.  Always the barb.  Why?  Didn't he have enough laurels to sit on?  Not ten people in a million had his status.  Why pick on me?

But as I glared at the captain, ire mixed with a stab of sympathy for him...

Irritation.  Disgust.

That is my overall feeling when reading about Lieutenant-now-Commander Piper, and the strong desire to put the book down shortly after picking it up.

Battlestations! (#31 Pocket, #  Titan) is Diane Carey's sequel to Dreadnought! 

Once again the adventures of one Piper nee Mary Sue is the last novel in a group of 10 that I had to read, and the prospect of reading another  adventure of Piper the cringe inducing wasn't very attractive.  Now, I feel I was pretty magnanimous when I reviewed Dreadnaught!, these novels just aren't for me... perhaps a younger me would have loved them, but not now and I can't be forgiving now that I have read two of them.

From the outset Battlestations! is ridiculous.  The events occur mere weeks after the events of Dreadnaught! although Piper (Carey?) seems to have a weak grasp on what weeks actually means and Piper is on a sailing ship, on earth, with James T Kirk on whom she has a sizeable crush.  Dr McCoy is on the schooner (named Edith Keeler) presumably to stop any potential cheating on their respective Vulcans.  Suddenly, Kirk is whisked away on charges of stealing transwarp technology, brave Piper then has to sail the schooner (not before assaulting a number of security personnel) to a rendez-vous point where she meets up with old pals Scanner, and Merete and her new command the Tyrannosaurus Rex soon renamed S.S. Banana Republic (because renaming a ship is your first concern right)?  She also meets Spock later who informs her that Sarda (her pet Vulcan) is with the traitors who have stolen the transwarp technology.

The motley crew (Piper is in charge of course, even of Spock and McCoy) upset Klingons (while undercover in a bar on a technologically backwards planet) but eventually are joined by Kirk (having got off being arrested for stealing transwarp technology?).  They storm a research facility save(?) Sarda, get captured, watch as Spock and Kirk exchange deep and meaningful looks after they have been captured, get attacked by Klingons (again).

The moral repugnance of the main traitor is underlined as not only is she trying to sell of the transwarp technology to the highest bidder (causing an interstellar scramble) but also used a dangerous drug to knock out Enterprise's crew, take control of the Enterprise and install the transwarp drive in her.

But.  That's.  Not.  All.

Piper the ever annoying manages to damage one of the nacelles with the Banana Republic, she and her crew then get on the Enterprise and save the day, however the day is not saved as Klingon, Romulan and other powers start trying to take control of the crippled Enterprise.  A firefight ensues where Kirk orders the transwarp drive be repurposed as a weapon and used on the enemy ships, with... somewhat devastating effects.  After what seems like an eternity the cavalry come to save the day and finally the end of the book is in sight.

Still.  Not.  All.

Bonus(?) comedy chapter to prolong the reader's suffering longer.  Piper is going to go sailing with Kirk again, she's going to remain on the Enterprise, and Scanner video'd her unfortunate veil dance and initial harassment by the Klingons.  Then, when she goes to get some sleep, Scotty comes in because she broke his ship.

End.

There.  Now you don't have to read it.  I've spared you from the incessant Mary-Sue-ing, the bad writing, the ridiculous contrivances, and ISS (Inexplicable Stupidity Syndrome).  And lets face it, the universe must have come down with ISS, because that's the only way Piper(Carey?) could ever be the brightest bulb in the box.

I'm not alone!

Now, in my review of the previous book, I gave it/Piper/Carey the benefit of the doubt.  Now that I've had to suffer two of these unfortunately unforgettable books, I'm less inclined to play nice.  It's getting a 1/5 (instead of Dreadnought!'s 2/5), I can't handle the sheer amount of utter tripe I've had to read from this author so far.  Apparently the other ST novels she's written are better, and from a fellow cynic!

And you know, it isn't just a dislike of first person narratives.  I mean, I don't particularly like them or dislike them as a narrative style... but as you know I'm picky, fussy, and critical and I just want books I read to be written well.  Even if you overlook that Piper is an awful character, even avoiding the stigma of the term Mary-Sue, both Dreadnought! and Battlestations! are terribly written.  They are simply badly written, poorly structured nonsense that frankly shouldn't have been published.

"... hair fell around my face as I stared at the floor, cloaking me from their eyes.  I'd have liked to think of my hair as golden, but somehow it never got past pyrite.  The worse the situation got, the browner my hair felt.  Even after all those weeks under earth's sun... 

How did my hair get into this?"

This is the level of inanity ladies and gentlemen, and this is frankly what I hate.  I really, really don't care about this girl's thoughts, I don't care one iota.  I don't care about her hair, I don't care about her various insecurities or about how much she idolizes Kirk.  I don't even want her reasoning for anything because it is flawed and silly and just screams ineptitude.

I really don't want to watch as perfectly acceptable characters have to be shotgun to this girl idiot who can only exist in the position she is due to obscene plot contrivances.  One part that really irked me (one of many) was they were trying to break into the computer of the Banana Republic that Spock and Kirk had put on autopilot.  Why were they trying to break into the computer?  Because Piper doesn't like being manipulated, also Carey has to show that Piper can out think Spock.  Everyone is amazed that Piper out thought Spock and nobody else could have come up with such a easy way to bypass the computer... after all -

"Machines are idiots.  They're marvelous tools, but they're stupid.  You know why they don't put legs on computers?  Because they'd walk off a cliff if you told them to."

Wonderful.  Thank you for you insight.  You're fabulous Piper.  I am surely enriched by your words.  Please carry on. ((She hasn't heard of the three laws of robotics then??))

The only down side to Piper being designated a Mary-Sue is that it gives you a false hope that she'd die at the end of the story.  Alas, she remains fully alive to the end and beyond.

Unlike the goon she disintegrates with a Klingon disrupter because she "needs to be taken seriously".

Apparently Carey has been very open about Piper being a Mary-Sue character, well done Carey, you sold two sub par stories and got a nice little pay cheque out of it, you also ensured that there would be no further Star Trek TOS books with a focus on a main character NOT of the main cast, since after these two sorry excuses a ban was put in place prohibiting them.

1/5 - "Aw, that stinks" quoth a character with a brain cell.

Star Trek - How Much For Just The Planet

Arizhel picked up the Cat robber and shoved him into the closet.  She pressed the lock button, since Charlotte had the key, then shut the door, listening for the click.  She heard the cat stir within.  That was disappointing; she must be out of practice.
She went back towards the door.  Stitches popped like bursts of gunfire.  Instinctively she grabbed at the scraps of black as they fell away.  It seemed to make things worse.
But she did not need the Cat costume any longer.  She could simply change back into her dress...
Which was  locked in the closet, behind the Cat.

How Much For Just The Planet (#36 Pocket, # Titan) by John M Ford is another slightly experimental story in keeping with Ford's rule not to write the same kind of story twice.   I think HMFJTP is a kind of marmite story, but very much in the style of TOS in that it could have very much been an episode of from the TV series.  Incredibly campy both in writing style and the events in the story itself, it is also very self aware.  Ridiculous things happen in HMFJTP, the whole latter half of the book is orchestrated slap stick comedy ending in a pie fight between all the characters.  The end is also moralising, and highlights one of the problems with the Organian treaty - what if the people of the disputed planet want nothing to do with either the Federation nor the Klingon Empire?

I was in two minds while reading HMFJTP, it was pure TOS through and through, brilliant characterisation, a refreshing approach to story telling, hell, I enjoyed it.  On the other hand the prolonged slapstick comedy sketch didn't quite work for me and I couldn't help cringing at this comedy of errors.

Stylistically HMFJTP is really interesting.  When the Federation and Klingon diplomatic delegations beam down to Direidi to attempt to negotiate who would be developing the planet and it's dilithium resources the reader is made immediately aware that what the crew are experiencing is all staged and an act.  The reader has been told of 'Plan C', we know it's all scripted and throughout the surreal experiences we often get given small 'behind the scenes'... well... scenes.   The Direidians break into musical-esque song at the merest provocation, much to the bemusement of the Federation and Klingon crews, who are trying to be accepting of this strange people (which of course helps to keep the ruse going).  The songs are written in italicised stanzas, predominantly in rhyming couplets, and are often quite lengthy!  The songs work as a kind of shorthand for setting the scene, much as they would in a piece of musical theatre (they're also mostly awful!).  We expect for the hi-jinx to begin when the 'worlds collide' as it were, however the strange, theatrical occurrences happen from the beginning of the narrative and in the formatting of the text itself.

Something that stands out immediately is that every chapter has a title, for example:

- In Space, No One Can Fry an Egg

- The Dilithium Crystal As Big As The Ritz

- All's Fair In Love and Dilithium

and there are also 'interlude' chapters such as:

- Educational Short Subject: Useful Facts about Dilithium

- Historical Interlude: The Only War We've Got

which are written with a theme and are written stylistically differently.  The 'Educational Short Subject' is written as if it's a sponsored children's infomercial, the 'Historical Interlude' is a comically written explanation of the terms of the Organian Treaty and the Federation and the Empire's respective opinions on it (that interlude tickled me!).

It's also interesting to note that the strange goings on or perhaps the tone of the novel starts immediately in the narrative too.  From the beginning the whole story has a certain humour to it.  Whether it's the replicator's inability to produce orange juice which isn't blue, Kirk deciding he was brave enough to try the electric blue concoction, or that the events of the story may have been put into motion by a sloppy Vulcan who spilt a minty milk shake over integral parts of her ship's computer, causing it to become quite insane.  These events continue as Kirk & Co. are brought into the story, the diplomat for the mission is an old flame (whom he'd forgotten) and the sloppy Vulcan is known to Spock (he exhibits a slight tick when he suspects she's involved); this is even before the diplomatic party arrives at the planet.

I mean... on one hand we have the expected ridiculous and scripted events on Direidi which really are laugh out loud funny (the cherry on the cake was the utterly ridiculous 'pie fight', but the multiple cases of misdirection and tongue in cheek film / theatre references) and on the other we have the 'universe' acting in much the same way which makes it both less and more absurd.  This is quite in keeping I feel with episodes of TOS which can vary between serious intellectualism to broad comedy, though HMFJTP is far beyond anything featured in the show.

I really did like that Ford continued with his expansion of Klingon society.  I really did like the internal thoughts of the Klingon characters who were by Klingon standards, quite pleasant.  'Proke' was quite the match to Uhura and was definitely a development from Ford's Klingons.  Proke and Uhura both worked out what was going on on Direidi, and so their adventure was the most strange (and the shortest) as they were preempting the directed events and essentially identifying the tropes and their origin films / series as they came across them.

I think the most fun comes from the variety of different adventures the different groups of the diplomatic party had.  One section was shamelessly drawing from 'She' (which made me chuckle), another with the party running over a golf course amid shell fire I know I've seen but I can't recall the film.  Eventually the sets start to fall apart but by that time everyone is ready for a stress reducing pie fight!

Of course, unless you're a director, you're not going to escape a situation like this without egg on your face, and in this case the people of Direidi who don't want any part of politics manage to manipulate the situation in such a way that their preferred proposal for Dilithium mining on their planet has to be accepted by the diplomats of both the Federation and the Empire.

Like I said How Much For Just The Planet is a reader's marmite, I can't guarantee you'll like it, but I can honestly say that it is a well written Star Trek novel with a premise that could only be pulled off in practise by someone with Ford's ability. 

If you know your 1940s, 50s, and 60s cinema and contemporary theatre, you'll have a good time picking out the references!

4/5 - Here's looking at you, kid.

Star Trek - Time For Yesterday

The harsh, pain filled breaths were coming from Spock, who was crumpled beneath him.  Zar quickly pushed himself  up, realizing he must have shoved the Vulcan down and then fallen on him when the worst of the - the whatever it was - hit.

Kneeling, he carefully turned the other over, gently brushed some of the ashy dirt from the austere features.

"Father?" he whispered hoarsely.  "Are you alright?"

Reminds me somewhat of a certain
fanzine cover with Spock on an
alicorn...

Time For Yesterday (Pocket #39, Titan #) (1987) is A C Crispin's sequel to Yesterday's Son.  It really is a sequel so it's pretty pointless to read it unless you've already read Yesterday's Son,  since Crispin refers to specific events and relationships throughout.  Actually, in order to get maximum reading pleasure you should probably catch up with the previous novels written by Diane Duane, Brad Ferguson, John M Ford, Jean Lorrah, Vonda N McIntyre ( :(  ) and Howard Weinstein as characters and events which occur in their Star Trek novels are mentioned in Time For Yesterday and picking up on the references is precisely 10% of the fun! ...Captain.

Ok, well, I can't be 100% sure of the 10% figure, but I can tell you it gave me fannish kicks.

So... maybe you've finished Yesterday's Son and you're thinking, but I wonder what happened to Zar?  I mean, we know he influenced Sarpeidon's past by causing a period of rapid technological advancement... but just how did it come about?  And did he meet a lovely lady and produce green blooded pointy-ish eared sproglings?  And of course did I really read A C Crispin right and does she really ship K/S that hard?  Followed by can I have more for dessert please?

Well, if you have asked questions frighteningly similar to mine, then the answers are:

Crispin clears that up, yes - two actually, yes, and finally yes (just a little bit of sugar).

Once again Crispin returns to The Guardian in order to facilitate her jaunt into the past.  This time the Guardian seems to be malfunctioning, causing time waves to emanate from the ancient portal causing irreversible damage to stars and planets in its vicinity and resulting in the loss of a colony planet and a Starfleet vessel.  If the time waves aren't stopped they will surely cause the destruction of all life, naturally Starfleet turns to one man (and his select crew) to try to stop the Guardian's apparent malfunction; Admiral James T Kirk!

The resulting adventure takes Kirk, Spock and McCoy into Sarpeidon's past in order to find Zar, bring him back to their present and use him to speak to the Guardian telepathically.  Ultimately the reason for the Guardian's malfunction is revealed and we also get to meet the remaining creators of the Guardian.

However, the ending isn't half as satisfying as the medieval fantasy romp which makes up a large portion of the book.  It's fun for the reader, it was obviously fun for Crispin to write, and it feels suspiciously like a guilty pleasure.  The fantasy romp has almost nothing to do with the peril the universe is actually facing, and more to do with relationships.  The relationships between fathers and their sons, between lovers, between friends.  Time has passed differently for Zar and Spock, their age gap has closed and both are older and wiser men.  Spock is now more open with his feelings, while Zar has become a wiser, jaded man who has seen much hardship and personal loss.  I found the reigniting of the father-son dynamic for these two Vulcans very sweet, Spock's reactions in particular are endearing.

I'm reminded of a comment I read a while ago which equated the relationship of Sarek and Spock with the father-son relationships in the 50s/60s.  The father being detached and aloof, not showing emotion and pushing the son away for not being the man he wanted him to be.  In a way, Spock had to overcome that conditioning in Yesterday's Son, in Time for Yesterday however we see in Spock the more modern father, desiring of a closer relationship with his son, unafraid to show that he loves him, that he's proud of him and that he'd risk his life for him.

Crispin contrasts this with Kirk's apparent knowledge of David (this book takes place between TMP and TWOK) and his confused feelings of being an (by request) absent father.  We of course know that Kirk would meet his son during the events of TWOK and then lose him by TSFS.  It's an interesting comparison, Spock and Zar vs Kirk and David.

I feel that Crispin very much wanted to finish Zar's story for the sake of Spock, herself and her readers.  Everyone likes to know what happened next, they also like happy endings for the most part and Crispin delivers that... but not without a little tragedy.  Zar loved and lost many years ago and refused to remarry afterwards, however during the course of the novel he falls in love and bonds with a woman who otherwise would be his enemy (I'm going to comment again about the apparent fertility of Sarpeidons).  However she refrains from telling the whole story, leaving his eventual fate after he leaves his father's side for the final time.

Is there a comparison between father and son here? You bet your pointy ears there is!  You might remember the commentary which ran through Yesterday's Son in which Zar had problems understanding not only his relationship with his father, but also his father's relationships with others, in particular Kirk.  However, towards the end of the novel he realises that they are incredibly close (like bonded close), by the time we get to the events in Time for Yesterday it's not even questioned, it's even the subject of a bit of humour.

"Fair enough. Why haven't you remarried?" 

It was the Vulcan's turn to raise an eyebrow.  "There is no single reason.  Once the liaison the family arranged for me was terminated by divorce, there was no reason to enter another immediately... so I elected not to do so.  Time went by... and my contemporaries were all partnered.  Then our five year mission was over, and I began the the study of Kolinahr disciplines.  When one is an acolyte in pursuit of Kolinahr, one must give up... external... links."  He steepled his fingers.  "By the time I left Kolinahr, I also left Vulcan.  I have not been home since." 

"So, you just haven't met the right woman," Zar said, deadpan. 

Shared amusement touched his father's eyes.  "You could put it that way."

Cute.

Characterisation wise Crispin was spot on again.  Really strong characterization of the trinity (McCoy was in top form again) and nice use of Uhura in one of the novel's minor subplots (very minor).  I quite liked the medieval Sarpeidons as well... I could definitely tolerate another book with just Zar and his world in!  Crispin manages to create an interesting world for the length of book she's been allowed.  One thing I would change however would be to cut a couple of sub plots which are quite unnecessary and turn over more attention to the end with the creators of the Guardian - but this is all quite minor (and I want more of the mindmeld bit, it was over too quick imo!)...

I don't want to spoil anymore for those who haven't read it, so I'll just end with; read Time for Yesterday... I definitely recommend it, it definitely will not disappoint!

5/5 - would visit ancient Sarpeidon as a holiday destination.